Break Up's, School, and Addictions. Story of my life.

Well.
God likes to shake things up in my life. And I needed it. In just a matter of not even 3 short days, I went from feeling like I had a friend back, to telling him that I can't talk to him until he straightens things out.
And, now that that extremely dysfunctional relationship is over, I am very sad. But I feel very accomplished and even proud of myself for being able to recognize how sucked in I was and how I needed to get out. For my own sanity, and self-esteem even. I hate that it felt more like a break up then just a friendship ending. I hate break ups. I really hope that I've filled my quota for my lifetime.

School tomorrow. Should be good. First day of art. Which means that I get to leave work early. Double bonus. Lol. Negative bonus points for having to get up a 5:30am and not get home till 11pm on mondays. Sucky.
You know it's pretty bad when it's 8pm and you're ready for bad. And even worse when you already feel behind and the second week of school hasn't even started yet. No bueno.

G'night.

OH, I have finally completed my piercing expedition. Well, on my right ear that is. I have pierced up all the "normal" space. (Lobe, and cartiledge.) All thats left is the weird stuff. These newest ones, bring my ear piercing count to 18. Lol. I'm an addict.

Dead and Gone. (Not really though.)

Well it has been far too many days since my last post.

Let's recap shall we...

WINTER CAMP: Great people. Sweet worship. Legit speaker. Awesome Jesus Time.
Being a counselor was different, but yet another opportunity for me to learn things about myself.
On one of the days we did whats called a Prayer Path. One of my favorite things. At the end of it I sat at the forgiveness table for a good while. And for the first time ever I was finally able to forgive 2 people in my life who have hurt me the most. And I finally, fully, gave them up to God. Them and the situations I was/am in with them. Great feeling.

SCHOOL: Well, it's a new semester again. I wasn't even half way through my math class on the first day when I decided to drop it. Ridiculous amount of work he requires. I can't devote that much time any single class. Speech is speech. Meh, but ok. History will hopefully not be as boring as it seems. Sociology is going to be very hard, but I'm going to learn a lot. And I'll find out what my art class will be like next week. I'm just really going to be exhausted the first half of the semester, 5:30am mornings 4 days a week. Nap time will be a requirement before a social life, I know that much is true.

So the whole forgiveness thing that I was talking about earlier. Man, oh man. Crazy stuff has been happening. Almost every day for the last week I wake up telling God, " Today is yours. All the situations and everything in it. " And ya know what, I've, idk, I can't even describe how I feel. Like knowing that God is fully in control because I'm letting Him be is so awesome. And since I've fully given up a certain person to Him, God has blessed me with random, positive conversations with them. I've heard things that I never thought I would ever hear. I'm only taking those words as a grain of salt though. I can't let 2 little, yet awesome things wipe out everything else that has been said or done. I know the pattern. I know this wont last long. But I'll take it while I can, and pray that God continues to work on his heart. I love them, and I will never give up on them.

Up an coming: Zoomba, Dress shopping with Em, work, then who knows what tomorrow. Haha probably just do homework and go to sleep early. My social life kinda sucks right now. And I totally love it. Hahaha. Well it's not too bad...party saturday night. That's gonna be crazy!! And then both churches on Sunday. And definitely in bed by 8 on sunday. Haha this is just so funny to me. I really have no life. My dear friends, I'll see you in the summer. I love you. If you are so lucky as to see me sometime this semester just know that you are probably one of my favorites. Which is why I will make time for you. Lol.

It is bed time.

My Day, Thus far.

Well I guess I'll slap one of these out before I leave for the next few days.

Heading to Winter Camp with Sun Grove's High School Group as a counselor! Gonna be sweet!

It's kinda weird to know that I'm going to winter camp, yet I'm still sitting here at a quarter to two. It's different to be leaving in the later afternoon then in the morning. But this winter camp will be nothing like the ones I grew up going to. Except for the fact that 2 other people will be at this winter camp that were at my others.

Had brunch with Lindsay and Emily today. That was fun. Made fun of the Red Hat Society Ladies that were there---and Lindsay for wanting to be one someday. Lol.

Sorted out stuff at the bank. They put almost $300 of my money into someone else's account by accident.

Woke up too early today cause the dogs decided it would be nice to bark outside my room. And today was the day that I needed to sleep in. Oh well.

School Tuesday. Then job fair. Then nap. Then work. Then The Remix.

Annnnnd that is as far as my brain is going to function right now.



Peace.

Eh, Just Some Ramblings...

When you say jump, my response is 'How high?'

^ Not good. Dysfunctional relationship. And I stay in it because I'm stupid.
Trying to find a balance. But that changes on a daily basis. Lame.



In other news, this week is a pretty good one so far.
Sunday I made some new friends. Such a blessing.
I applied for a job as an art instructor at an art studio for kids. That job seems to be made for me. Kids and Art. Two of my biggest passions all in one. I don't want to get ahead of myself if this isn't the job God has for me. But it still sounds cool.
Thursday is small group. Idk if I'm really looking forward to it. I'm forcing myself to go anyways. Breaking into new groups takes a going a few times.
Friday I don't have to work. YES! And then around 4:30 I leave with Sun Grove's youth group for winter camp. I get to go as a counselor!! Beyond excited for this weekend. Outside of comfort zone. Only knowing like 2 other people. That just screams awesome right there!! It's gonna be so much fun!
Then next tuesday I start school. Looking forward to that. Just not the getting up insanely early part. But I have an art class!! That is gonna be great!
After school that day I'm going to a job fair. I need more money. My car is getting kinda iffy on me. Kinda scary. Lol.

Dinner with dad's parents tonight. Not looking forward to that. I'm about to break out my 10 year old self. When treated as a 10 year old, why not act like one right? Ugh.

So update on my goals for the new year:

#1. Been pretty dang consistent with that! Still not perfect, but baby steps.
#2. Kinda hard since I'm not in school. BUT I have made new friends my age at both of the churches I'm newly attending!
#3. Yeah, I've pretty much done a lot of that. Going as a counselor to a high school winter camp not knowing really anybody. Going to a new small group knowing one person. Great start to breaking out of my zone.

Random thought that has been sitting at the front of my mind lately:

Love is relevant.

As Christians we always talk about how we can be relevant while still being true to our faith in this world. Well, love is relevant. According to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, love is one of the most basic needs any human wants and needs. Of course after any physiological and safety need of course. It's the core of who we are.


Love someone today!

Patience and Self-Control.

Last night God was really testing my patience and self-control. Long story short, used to be really good friend turned jerk who hates me was really testing me.
I'm at my bff's house for her birthday dinner. He walks in, hugs both my best friends and then walks away. He did not make eye contact with me the entire night. The only interaction we had was when he cleared everyone's plates and he said excuse me as he reached for mine. Ugh. So many choice words I'd like to lay him out with. I really don't know what I did to deserve this. One day we're friends and we're chillin', the next he wants nothing to do with me and tells me to stay out of his life. Really? I don't get it. I probably never will. But one thing that makes this all extremely hard for me is that I have no problem confronting people. And if the opportunity presented itself, I'd confront him. I would just have to be really careful with my words. I know I can cut him deep easily. And I don't want to do that. I'm sure we'll never be friends again, but he could at least be civil towards me. There are some people in my life that I don't like as much as he doesn't like me. But I can at least put on a smile and be civil towards them. You might call that being fake. But it keeps the peace. You don't have to fully interact with them, just be kind.
In a few weeks I wont have to see him for a couple months. That makes me sad and happy at the same time.

I don't even know how to ask God for help on this one. I don't know what I should/shouldn't do. I don't know anything.
I do know, that as I continue to stay involved in this, it is only hurting me. Maybe him, but I'll never know. It's a sick relationship. I'll admit that. But I don't want to let it go. I don't want to give up. I don't want him to be alone.

Hmmm...

Given up, with no gas, wierd vibes, and possibly defining moments.

So I really feel like I'm being forced to give up. But I don't want to. I have so many differing opinions flying at me from all directions. Who is really right? Since I'm within my own window of tolerance I'll automatically think that I'm right. But what if I'm not? Aghh. Difficult. Only time will tell. And time heals all wounds right? Well, maybe not all.

I don't even know why I'm blogging right now. It's too late and I'm running off of 5-ish hours of sleep.
Drove TO and FROM Chico within a 15 hour time span.
To and from Galt. To and from Downtown. To and from Laguna. All today.
Apparently I'm just asking for a death sentence.

But driving to Chico was worth it. Great night with friends. Stayed up way to late talking about intense topics and didn't sleep long enough to be a fully functioning driver. But God got us home.

Went to my first small group tonight through The Remix. It was legit. Deep. I loved it. And I like those people. They seemed super genuine and open and welcoming. Can't wait to get to know them more.

I also got to chill with my old college group at Denny's tonight. That was really, nice, actually. I do miss a handful of those people. And luckily I got to sit with most of them. Kinda felt a bit awkward walking in at first. Weird vibe from some people. But it's whatever.

Have I ever mentioned that I hate drama. Well let me rephrase that. I hate people creating unnecessary drama in my life. It's so dumb. They just need to grow a pair and man up in their own lives.

Ok, I really need sleep.
Kinda looking forward to tomorrow. It's gonna be a defining day in some aspects.

Dueces.

Like Super Mario Bros.

Yesterday was my first day back with the boys. And I was shocked to find out that I actually kinda missed them. I was so happy when I first saw Braden. Our day together was pretty decent. We had one minor speed bump but we got past that and had a pretty good day.

I also was just so extremely blessed by God last night. I've really been missing my Experience family and so I first called Jess, but she didn't answer so I left a message. But then I called Laura and I ended up talking to her for like 40 minutes. And it was so nice to talk to her. I know this sounds beyond cheesy, but it was so nice to just hear her voice. She was always such an encouragement to me and I was always so happy to be around her and get to talk to her. And last night was exactly the same. She was so encouraging about situations that I'm in and it was just a great heart to heart. We're hoping that we might get to see each other in may at a friends wedding. But if not, I'd totally just fly out to see her.

It's funny how God works sometimes. I've just been feeling spiritually mehh the past few weeks. All of which is my fault cause I haven't been having quite times. But for the past almost week I've been having one every morning so that has been a tremendous help. But just talking with Laura, and having her pray over me through the phone, I just felt such a spiritual lift. Like on Super Mario Bros. when you turn all sparkly and rainbow-y...that's how I felt after talking to her. Hahaha.

Tonight I am so ready and excited for. I'm going to my new college group and I'm bringing a bunch of friends with me. Lucy, Emily, Grace, and Lexi (whom I really haven't talked to in person since I was a child, so I'm super pumped to be hanging out with her.) and a few others. I'm hoping for one person in particular to come. I sent him an invite so I really hope he comes. But I have to remind myself not to get my hopes up because if I do I have the potential to be setting myself up for disappointment. And that is something that I would prefer not to have. So if he comes he comes. If not, oh well. All I know is that I'm just so excited to be with The Remix tonight. They are some awesome people.

Later Gator.

Reconnection.

Well, today was...awesome.

Went to a different church to support a friend as his first day as Youth Pastor. And it was just really neat to see. He was great.
And then getting to mingle with some of the students in the group was really awesome. Everyone was super nice and welcoming. Definitely the kind of kids I'd like to hang out with more. Maybe I'll get a chance to be a leader? That'd be awesome!
And there was a pleasant surprise I wasn't expecting. Another friend of mine showed up to support our friend on his first day. And I got to talk with this old friend and see where he's at in life. It was really nice.

Honestly, today was just about reconnecting with people.
I got to hang out with Sharlene this morning. Man, I like that girl.
And I got to chat with George for a bit.
Then tonight was just awesome. Emily and I had a really great heart to heart. We're such talkers and we were both able to get things out in the open about how we feel and where we've been with things. Super amazing.

Thanks God. I really needed today.
(I'm drinkin' up this water. I've got a real thirst for it.)

Goals, not resolutions, for 2010.

Well it is officially 2010. Is it two thousand ten? Or twenty ten? I prefer the later.

What is this year going to look like? I really have no idea. And I'm really not into the whole resolution thing. But here are a few goals that I have for myself this year:

Numero Uno: Have a daily devotional time with God. And that has no specific look to it. I just want to make it a daily thing.

Numero Dos: Develop friendships within my classes at school. I gotta step out of my comfort zone and meet people.

Numero Tres: Kinda similar to my previous goal, but I'd like to continue to do things that I wouldn't normally do. I'd like to destroy the walls that keep me in my comfort zone. Cause when I've left it I've found that I am much happier and experience life more fully.

For now, these are my goals. Simple and to the point. But in all honesty they are pretty huge for me. I've got 365 days to meet these goals. And thousands of opportunities within those days to achieve them. Let's do this.