No way.

Maybe this is all too good to be true...

Decisions, decisions.

How did my life get so hectic and out of control in such a short period of time???
I have no idea about anything.
School.
Friendships.
Relationships.
The Future.

Gahhhh. I hate it.
I feel like i'm wasting time and money.

School is my biggest issue at the moment. I feel like I've lost all direction and have no idea where I should be going. I'm afraid to transfer to a university because I feel like I'm going to end up changing my major and in turn wasting a lot of money. Why not just stay at CRC another few semesters. Take some different classes and see what I come up with.
Part of my says, go back to being a sociology major. But then I look at that and say, "What the heck am I going to do with that?" I hate thinking about the monetary side of possible careers. But I don't want to be in poverty the rest of my life. I want to be able to make money and be ok. But I feel like anything I would consider going after is going to be a job that a) wont pay much, and b) will become obsolete by the time I actually graduate, or a few years after.
Then I'm going to have to end up going back to school again.
Ugh.
I hate this.

Are we there yet?

Life is ridiculous sometimes!!

Started stats. Failed the test. Dropped stats.
Went to Six Flags. Had a day there. Interesting and fun day.
Finally been able to chat with some friends. And even made some new ones.
I like nonconventional. Sometimes it scares me and sometimes I just want to try it.
I'm dying in some ways.
But I'm trying to 'fix' that.
I feel like I am on a new path.
Kinda dont like it, but kinda don't care at the same time.
Hoping I don't get killed. Trying not to be stupid.
But not caring either.
Looking forward to monday.
Looking forward to weddings and dates.
Can't wait for fall.
But I don't want to rush this either.

So many emotions. So many thoughts.

Hangin' in there...

Well I have survived my first week of summer school with just a few scrapes and bruises.
I haven't died...yet.

Statistics is freakin' hard!!! We have learned an entire chapter each day in only 3 hours. I don't know how it is possible to learn. My brain hurts sooo bad! But according to mom thats good cause it means I'm learning and remembering things. If thats what it takes...

So in reward for completing my first week of school what do I get?? I work 4 nights straight! Yay...
It's both good and bad. I really do enjoy this job. I just don't sleep very much. Which I guess is ok cause then I can talk to my night owl friends. : )

So we'll see how this goes.
Basically until monday morning, which is when I have my first test, I'll be either studying or working.
One heck of a summer right?
Lol.

Hanging by a thread.

Slipping...falling...drowning...

I feel like my opinions are changing. Bu are my opinions changing or are my standards being lowered?
That is the question of the hour.
I'm flip flopping between them.

I hate that my opinions might be changing because that means that I owe some people an apology. Which I'm fine with, but I'd rather not beat a dead horse, ya know?

Idk.
I've become apathetic and luke warm.
Not good.
And I don't even have the desire to change that.
I desire to have the desire but it's not coming.
And I know that I can change that but I'm just not willing right now.
I just want to go away for a few days and evaluate and reflect.
Unfortunately that probably wont happen for a few weeks.
Hopefully the weeks in between wont be ones I regret...

I love days like these : )

Well it is finally thursday.
And today feels like it's going to be a great day.

I had a great night babysitting last night. Played 4 square for like 2 hours and watched Shrek. I love how I get to be a little kid and an adult when I babysit. So much fun. Lol.
Took a glorious 2 hour nap this morning after getting home from work.
And now I'm just chillin'.
Waiting to go to my second to last day of work with the boys. It is slightly bitter sweet. But mostly sweet. Like 98% sweet. I'm really not going to know what to do with my self starting next week when I don't have to pick anyone up from school. I'll actually have some free time. It'll be kinda nice.
Later after work is small group. Can't wait! We're starting a new study. Not sure on what yet. But I know it'll be good! And I'm looking forward to hanging out and catching up with my friends.
After that I'm going to pick a friend up from the airport. Quite looking forward to that. :)
And then who knows what.
Today is just chill and happy.

Waiting for thursday...

Today has been good.

Slept in some.
Feed all the animals I'm watching.
Texted a friend for awhile. And quoted some of The Office. Lol.
Went to work and had a pretty chill day.
Found out Friday is my last day with the boys so that is pretty much fantastic!
Got called off of my over night nannying tonight. Which I'm thankful for cause I kinda just wanted to chill at home tonight.
Chatted with a friend about 'man friends'. Haha that conversation was so hilarious!
Discussed dreams with Lucy.
And now I'm gonna chill with the sista!

Oh! And I finished my journal!! The last 6 years (almost to the exact date) have been documented in one journal or another. And I can't wait to start my new one! It's fabulous!

"Do The Roar!"

Gahhh...I suck at life with this thing. Hahaha...

Life, in general, has been pretty good lately.

This weekend was lots of fun. Hung out with some old friends and made some new ones, which is always fantastic.

I have finished watching the first 5 seasons of The Office. Which is a pretty funny show. I used to think it was dumb, but now it makes me smile and giggle. Lol.

Workin' some 4 jobs at the moment. Kinda crazy.
This week and next week are all I have left to endure of the boys I watch. Thank the LORD!
Wednesday I end one house sitting job. And friday I end the other.
And my overnight nannying will last a bit longer and then I'll have a 6 week vacation. Which kinda sucks cause no money, but I will be in 2 crazy hard summer school classes so the break from work will be much needed.

I'm bidding on some stuff on eBay. Haven't done that for awhile. Forgot how fun it is. Haha.
I'm buying a camera that I already have. Same. Exact. One.
Why might I be doing that?
Well, because technology and everything else hates me and likes to let me destroy it. So I end up having to buy new technological things all the time. I've had to buy new phones. A brand new MacBook. And now, a brand new camera. But what is fantastic about this camera is that I'm saving about 150 bucks! Saweeet!!

Life is good, cause God is good.
And when life is bad, God is still good.
: )

God is so faithful.

Again God continues to prove that He is faithful and works everything out in His timing...which is always perfect.

The saying that "Good conversations always happen after midnight" is so true.

Got a crazy random text around midnight last night, and that conversation ended up lasting till almost 4 this morning. A lot of epiphanies through that conversation. A lot of resolutions and apologies. And a lot of heart break for the things left unsaid.
But God is still faithful.

In my life, though friendships may come and go, the never truly go. They are in my heart and in my memories forever. They help me to grow as a person and in my faith. And most of that time you can never see any of that growth while you are still wrapped up in the situation or even the friendship as a whole. I am so thankful that God reveals our growth to us. Without knowing and seeing how far I've come with the help of God, my faith probably wouldn't be what it is today.

I am so thankful that God created us to be in unity with others. I can not fathom life without family or friendships. I have this innate need to be around people. Not every second of every day, but I could never be secluded for a long period of time.

Today, in my quite time, it was about loneliness. Now, i'm not lonely, so I kinda just whipped through it. But as I reflected on it, it was awesome because it was just showing me how wonderfully God created the human race. To give us these innermost thoughts and feelings of needing others. The longing he gives us to be in community with the body. And I just felt really blessed to know that my God knows my basic needs because he created them, and he is supplying me with more than enough of every need in my life. Even though at times my attitude towards it is, "more, more, more", God has given me the perfect amount.

God is good. All the time, God is good.

Tryin' to get back into the groove of this...

I'm a huge processor when it comes to life. To just sit and reflect and jot down my feelings and thoughts really helps me to stay sane.

And so for today...things have come to somewhat of an end, or are in the process of ending.

Today was the last day of this semester. And it was also the beginning of the last week that I'll be in the house with the boys that I watch.
Kind of a weird feeling.
I've seem to have grown accustomed to change and endings and beginnings. But something about this ending just isn't sitting right with me. I think it's because I'm not trusting in God to take care of me. As I loose one job, and partially another one for awhile, I am nervous as to how I'm going to survive. And as I dive into summer school soon I am nervous as to how I will do. I am afraid that with all of the busyness, sort of, this summer that I'm going to loose touch with a new friend and quite possibly some old ones. This summer just seems like it's not starting off on the right foot.

I've had such amazing summers since I left high school that I feel like I have unrealistic expectations of what this summer should be like. I'm afraid that i'm going to be disappointed. But I know that I shouldn't be because God has a perfect summer for me in mind, whether or not it's what I think it should be.

Maybe this summer I need to focus on the little things. The past few summers have had a lot of big things in them to keep me entertained and happy. But maybe this summer wont be like that. It'll be all the little things this summer that truly make it count.

I just wish that I could get this, well...almost...sadness that summer is here, out of my mind.
I think i'm looking forward too much to the fall that i'm wishing away my summer. That I so badly want some things to happen that i'm willing to skip over other things just so that it might happen. And that's not a good way to start the next few months.

I need to learn to be content, but not at the same time.

Maybe, some good old Jesus time will help me to change my attitude toward this all.
Only through Christ can I do this.

Hey there old friend.

Well it has been nearly a month and a half since my last post.
Funny how life catches up with us and yet we barely even notice as it passes us by.

I'm sitting here on my couch in a rather reflective mood.
Reflecting on my day, my week, my semester.

And I have to say, I am torn as to what I should feel. Part of me is disappointed, while the other part is really happy.

This semester has been an interesting one.
I've really grown a lot. But not in the most important way I should be growing.
I've grown out of my shell and blossomed into something new. But I wish that I could say that I blossomed into being a more fully devoted follower of Christ.
I'll be honest, most of this semester I put God on the back burner of my life. Only to call upon Him when I needed him. I'm reminded of the group on facebook, "Oh hi, I only exist when you need something from me." Well that's how I've been treating God. Only running to Him when I want or need something.
But what shocks me the most is that even though I don't pay attention to God, he still pays attention to me, and blesses me. He's placed some pretty great people in my life, and back in my life, this semester. And I am so thankful for that. I'm thankful for the opportunities he's given me to glorify Him. Even though at times I have completely let him down.

As I look ahead to this summer I have a lot of hopes and dreams of what it might be like. But God likes to surprise me so I'm trying to not get my hopes up too much. I really just want to go with the flow of things so that I might be able to avoid disappointment and possible heartache.

I feel like things are really going to change a lot this summer. Jobs, friendships, relationships, family, school.
I know all those things are always changing. But for some reason I really feel that there is going to be a big change in all of them. I just hope I'm prepared for what could possibly happen.

Mehhh-tasticness.

Holy heck.

I've been so dang stressed and busy.

Crashed my car monday. And Buster got put to sleep monday afternoon.
Monday sucked.
Balls.

Car isn't going to get totaled, thankfully. I'll hopefully be getting my car back by next thursday or friday.

After 10:30am tomorrow I'll officially be on spring break. Sooo completely needed.

Unfortunately I have to write hecka papers and read a shizzy school book.
Mehhhhhhh.............

Chillin' out, maxin', relaxin' all cool...

Today I slept for 10 hours.
And it was glorious!

Lazy-ied around all day till work. Sweet.

Played legos at work...always fun!!

The Remix was awesome as always.
Held a baby kitten in the palm of my hand...and I melted.

I love chill days.

Good night. Sleep tight.

Oh Yeah...

Hott Chocolate.
Yes.

I officially met the sexiest man ever. OMG. Words can't describe.

We're gonna be friends. Then one day we'll get married, and make beautiful babies.

Thats sounds like a good solid plan, yeah?

The night is darkest before the dawn.

I square...

Sometimes I feel like I'm walking straight into a trap. Being sucked further and further down in this twisted whirlpool. But I like it so I don't care. I know it's unhealthy. But I feel like I need it.

Lord Jesus, help me.
(Yet, why do I feel like I say that half-heartedly.)
Mehh.

Smiles all around.

A quickie before bed...hahaha....not like that. Lol.

This weekend = fantasticly awesome epicness.

The beach was beautiful. Laughed it up all weekend with the fam. Saw the best friend tonight. Set up coffee/ice cream date for later this week.
Life is beautiful right this moment.

Oh, and I got off the medusa roller coaster a few weeks ago. I've only been riding the little dragon coaster since then. And I'm hoping that everything will stay that way. I'm content with a little bit of higher highs and slightly steeper drops, but nothing more than that, otherwise I'm not gonna ride at all.

See ya on the flip side...

Tonight's complete, everyone's asleep...

Final Big Speech in...T-minus...10 hours.

I'm bout to blow this B out the water.
Awesome PowerPoint. Practiced the speaking part like 3 times. Yeah, it's gonna be good. Lol.
After tomorrow, only 4 more days of that nasty-a COMM class! Yeeeeah son!!

Quote of the moment: "I'm bout to get my black girl on." Ahaha...

Duces.

God above all my hopes and fears.

How do I say it without actually saying it?
Mehhh.
Craving? Longing? Wishing? Desiring?
I don't even know dude.
I just feel like a volcano that is filled with burning passion that can burst at any given moment.
And that's kinda good, kinda bad.

I'm trying to be patient though. But when little enticements are put in front of me on a weekly basis it makes it really really hard. But I know that I can overcome these fleshly whatevers.

Tryin' to stay focused on what is truly important. Tryin' to be faithful.

Even though I feel like I have a brick wall up against these whatevers, but the brick wall is merely a sheet dangling by a thread. Ready to fall to the ground at a passing wind. I want to stay strong, appear strong. But I feel as though I can't and won't when the fleeting opportunity does present itself. Sometimes I don't even care enough to try to hold that wall up. I want to let it fall. I want to see where it'll take me, how far I can go, how satisfying it might actually be.

Stupid Human. That I most surely am.

Fetal Position Reliance.

Sufficiently awkward.
Yup. That pretty much describes the last hour.
Glad to see some people. Not so glad to get the death glare from others.
Whatever. If they really wanna waste precious moments of their life outright disliking me...then that sucks for them cause I'm too busy living to worry about them.

Other than that, today was a fantastic day.
I love my SG people. I love that I get to be involved. I love feeling like a sufficient adult.

Really looking forward to this week.
Lots of good days ahead.
And of course, Dillons Beach this weekend!!!
Can it get any better!

One quick observation: The past 4 months of restarting my life has really changed me. When I saw my old college group friends tonight, I felt out of place. For two reasons. One, I haven't seen them in months. And two, I am no where near the person I am today that I was when I last saw them. I have grown so much. I have learned so much. And I have developed into someone who I didn't really think I would be, but in a good way. I'm fairly confident walking into a room not knowing anybody. I can make conversations with people that I just met. I have grown to be more aware of the different cultures and lifestyles surrounding me. I am becoming a full on (almost) self-sufficient adult. And I love it.
I never thought I'd say this, but I really like change. I like the stretching that it makes me do. The flat on my face, fetal position of total reliance on God. It's awesome.

Time to hit the sack...

It's funny, but I'm not laughing.

Getting out of this place was definitely a good idea.

Just hanging out with Lucy always makes things better. And you can't help but be happy with two cute baby kittens running around.

Tonight was not what I planned.
And, God, I know you're laughing at me. Like rolling on the floor laughing.
I get it. Thanks for putting me in my place and setting me straight.

Bed. Now.

Shut the Front Door.

What a bunch of BS.

Stupid a;skdljfa;skdjfas;ldkfjas;dln;lnnadoba;dfhjg.

'Hope for the best. Prepare for the worst.'

Whew.

Adult chat...check.
Outcome...TBD.
Possible outcome...looking fairly decent.

'Hope for the best. Prepare for the worst.'

Great talk tonight. Went much better than I expected. No tears. No arguing. Just nice and clean dialogue, with open ears on all sides. Just what I like. The outcome is still up in the air, and in God's hands. But I'm content with where things are at right now and where they have the potential to go.

Hoping for some new additions by the end of this weekend. ; )

Good. Night.


My newest, and probably in my top 5 fav groups on facebook: "And so God created Saturn. And he liked it, so he put a ring on it." NICE.

When pigs fly...

Today pretty much sucked. But in the most funny ways possible.

Speech was pointless. But the speeches given were funny.
History. I epicly failed the test. But I BS'd an essay so good, you'd think that I actually studied.
Sociology was an orientation of the library. WTH?
And Art. Haha. Skeleton drawing. The feet look like a crippled cats paw. Hilarious! My drawing skills are going down the drain in this class. Ironic much?
OH. And even funnier...I got to dig through a trash can at CRC cause I accidentally threw my phone away. Good times.
And to top it all off, I come home to my sisters cat licking his butt in the middle of my room.

Priceless day.

Dear John.

I pretty much feel...legit, right now. I finally have a cute looking blog. And the funny thing is that pink really isn't my color. But I'm diggin' this. Lol.

So...I definitely had a nightmare last night. And it was like a Saw movie. Horribly bloody and stuff. And that creepy guy thing was in it. And a horrible death laugh.
Weird part is that I've never ever ever seen any of the Saw movies. And I never will. I think I might cry. Lol.

My sis and I went and saw Dear John tonight. Freaking not how I pictured the movie. It was still good. I totally cried. And it totally made me saddened with my love life at the present moment. Or lack thereof. Hahaha. I think I'm gonna lay off the sappy movies for awhile. They can just suck it. : P
I really do like being single. Honestly. It's just that when you watch movies like that it just puts some added pressure on being in a relationship. And for right now, I'm definitely cool with being single. I cant imagine dating for quite a while.
I'm actually thinking about going places this summer. And if I had a dude attached to me, I'd have to consider him in my decisions. And since I ain't got one I'm just kinda free to float wherever the wind takes me. And I like that feeling. Cause I know that I wont be able to do that forever. So i'm gonna enjoy it while I can.

Oh, also, I've got a big important chat coming up with someone. And that chat is supposed to determine what could be an important part of my life. Trying to gather as much info as I can before hand so that I know where I stand and can fully express it. Yay adult chats. : )



Peace, Love & Happiness

Asta La Vista!

I have cleaned out!
I cleaned out my friends on facebook. And it feels ridiculously good! I'm tired of certain people. And not everyone needs to be all up in my business.

So, yep. That's pretty much it for tonight.
Love ya B.

Take these clouds away.

Today has been a yucky day.

I woke up with some ridiculous heart ache over someone in my life. And I totally wasn't expecting to feel this way. It's like I was just slammed with emotions that I didn't know I could feel all at the same time. And in turn, producing that horrible heart ache.

I was just stuck in a funk all day today.
No motivation for anything. I just wanted to crawl back into bed and wait for it to be tomorrow.

And I really need it to be tomorrow already.
I need to go to school. I NEED to be at the remix. I need some human interaction.

Well...it is Valentines Day...

Happy Singles Awareness Day!
Yay!!

Hahaha. Not.

So I've always disliked this holiday. Not because it is a singles awareness day, but because it is just pointless and misleading. I wouldn't be able to fully believe anyone's declared love on a day like this. It just doesn't seem outright genuine to me. (So guys, future reference, don't make V-day a big deal when you're with me.)

One thing that I have particularly enjoyed about the holiday this year is that this whole entire weekend has seemed to involve love. Not only the romantic kind. The friendship kind and the Jesus kind.

I made tons of new friends at The Remix's Road Trip this weekend. I finally feel like I have a place there. I know people, and people know me. It feels good. It feels like home. There is just so much love flowing in and through these people, and they pour it out onto everyone around them. It really is one of the best feelings in the world. I've never experienced a group of people so welcoming and loving in my entire life.

Another kind of love that I feel like I'm beginning to barely grasp is Jesus' love for me. One mental image that is sitting in my head is one of Jesus knocking at the door into my life saying, "I'm here." But I'm too caught up in my sin and everything else to let him in. And the thing is, He loves me enough to let me choose. He's not breaking down the door, he's just there knocking, waiting on me.
At the Road Trip we sang, How He Loves. And instead of saying, 'Yeah, He loves us..." We made it personal and put our own names in it. That, that really hit harder than anything about that song has before. And if you really know me you know how much that song means to me already. It was awesome. The night that we sang that song was just full of Jesus. You could feel his love in the room. We couldn't help but dance and sing and act a fool for Jesus. Lol.

Now I know that I don't have to touch on this, but I'm going to anyways. The more romantical side of today. As much as I try not to really care about today, deep down inside I care a tiny bit. Not about today, but about each day in general. Having someone each day. I know God has me in this season of singleness for a reason. And I'm very thankful for it because I'm able to do things that I might not be able to do as much of if I were with someone. But, with all that said, I feel like I'm ready for marriage. Not just another relationship. I want to work at a life-long relationship. The good. The bad. The ugly. The confusing. I'm ready for my husband. I'm ready to really truly love someone.
And the thing is, I actually do. They just don't know. And that's what makes days like these all the more annoying.

: /

Break Up's, School, and Addictions. Story of my life.

Well.
God likes to shake things up in my life. And I needed it. In just a matter of not even 3 short days, I went from feeling like I had a friend back, to telling him that I can't talk to him until he straightens things out.
And, now that that extremely dysfunctional relationship is over, I am very sad. But I feel very accomplished and even proud of myself for being able to recognize how sucked in I was and how I needed to get out. For my own sanity, and self-esteem even. I hate that it felt more like a break up then just a friendship ending. I hate break ups. I really hope that I've filled my quota for my lifetime.

School tomorrow. Should be good. First day of art. Which means that I get to leave work early. Double bonus. Lol. Negative bonus points for having to get up a 5:30am and not get home till 11pm on mondays. Sucky.
You know it's pretty bad when it's 8pm and you're ready for bad. And even worse when you already feel behind and the second week of school hasn't even started yet. No bueno.

G'night.

OH, I have finally completed my piercing expedition. Well, on my right ear that is. I have pierced up all the "normal" space. (Lobe, and cartiledge.) All thats left is the weird stuff. These newest ones, bring my ear piercing count to 18. Lol. I'm an addict.

Dead and Gone. (Not really though.)

Well it has been far too many days since my last post.

Let's recap shall we...

WINTER CAMP: Great people. Sweet worship. Legit speaker. Awesome Jesus Time.
Being a counselor was different, but yet another opportunity for me to learn things about myself.
On one of the days we did whats called a Prayer Path. One of my favorite things. At the end of it I sat at the forgiveness table for a good while. And for the first time ever I was finally able to forgive 2 people in my life who have hurt me the most. And I finally, fully, gave them up to God. Them and the situations I was/am in with them. Great feeling.

SCHOOL: Well, it's a new semester again. I wasn't even half way through my math class on the first day when I decided to drop it. Ridiculous amount of work he requires. I can't devote that much time any single class. Speech is speech. Meh, but ok. History will hopefully not be as boring as it seems. Sociology is going to be very hard, but I'm going to learn a lot. And I'll find out what my art class will be like next week. I'm just really going to be exhausted the first half of the semester, 5:30am mornings 4 days a week. Nap time will be a requirement before a social life, I know that much is true.

So the whole forgiveness thing that I was talking about earlier. Man, oh man. Crazy stuff has been happening. Almost every day for the last week I wake up telling God, " Today is yours. All the situations and everything in it. " And ya know what, I've, idk, I can't even describe how I feel. Like knowing that God is fully in control because I'm letting Him be is so awesome. And since I've fully given up a certain person to Him, God has blessed me with random, positive conversations with them. I've heard things that I never thought I would ever hear. I'm only taking those words as a grain of salt though. I can't let 2 little, yet awesome things wipe out everything else that has been said or done. I know the pattern. I know this wont last long. But I'll take it while I can, and pray that God continues to work on his heart. I love them, and I will never give up on them.

Up an coming: Zoomba, Dress shopping with Em, work, then who knows what tomorrow. Haha probably just do homework and go to sleep early. My social life kinda sucks right now. And I totally love it. Hahaha. Well it's not too bad...party saturday night. That's gonna be crazy!! And then both churches on Sunday. And definitely in bed by 8 on sunday. Haha this is just so funny to me. I really have no life. My dear friends, I'll see you in the summer. I love you. If you are so lucky as to see me sometime this semester just know that you are probably one of my favorites. Which is why I will make time for you. Lol.

It is bed time.

My Day, Thus far.

Well I guess I'll slap one of these out before I leave for the next few days.

Heading to Winter Camp with Sun Grove's High School Group as a counselor! Gonna be sweet!

It's kinda weird to know that I'm going to winter camp, yet I'm still sitting here at a quarter to two. It's different to be leaving in the later afternoon then in the morning. But this winter camp will be nothing like the ones I grew up going to. Except for the fact that 2 other people will be at this winter camp that were at my others.

Had brunch with Lindsay and Emily today. That was fun. Made fun of the Red Hat Society Ladies that were there---and Lindsay for wanting to be one someday. Lol.

Sorted out stuff at the bank. They put almost $300 of my money into someone else's account by accident.

Woke up too early today cause the dogs decided it would be nice to bark outside my room. And today was the day that I needed to sleep in. Oh well.

School Tuesday. Then job fair. Then nap. Then work. Then The Remix.

Annnnnd that is as far as my brain is going to function right now.



Peace.

Eh, Just Some Ramblings...

When you say jump, my response is 'How high?'

^ Not good. Dysfunctional relationship. And I stay in it because I'm stupid.
Trying to find a balance. But that changes on a daily basis. Lame.



In other news, this week is a pretty good one so far.
Sunday I made some new friends. Such a blessing.
I applied for a job as an art instructor at an art studio for kids. That job seems to be made for me. Kids and Art. Two of my biggest passions all in one. I don't want to get ahead of myself if this isn't the job God has for me. But it still sounds cool.
Thursday is small group. Idk if I'm really looking forward to it. I'm forcing myself to go anyways. Breaking into new groups takes a going a few times.
Friday I don't have to work. YES! And then around 4:30 I leave with Sun Grove's youth group for winter camp. I get to go as a counselor!! Beyond excited for this weekend. Outside of comfort zone. Only knowing like 2 other people. That just screams awesome right there!! It's gonna be so much fun!
Then next tuesday I start school. Looking forward to that. Just not the getting up insanely early part. But I have an art class!! That is gonna be great!
After school that day I'm going to a job fair. I need more money. My car is getting kinda iffy on me. Kinda scary. Lol.

Dinner with dad's parents tonight. Not looking forward to that. I'm about to break out my 10 year old self. When treated as a 10 year old, why not act like one right? Ugh.

So update on my goals for the new year:

#1. Been pretty dang consistent with that! Still not perfect, but baby steps.
#2. Kinda hard since I'm not in school. BUT I have made new friends my age at both of the churches I'm newly attending!
#3. Yeah, I've pretty much done a lot of that. Going as a counselor to a high school winter camp not knowing really anybody. Going to a new small group knowing one person. Great start to breaking out of my zone.

Random thought that has been sitting at the front of my mind lately:

Love is relevant.

As Christians we always talk about how we can be relevant while still being true to our faith in this world. Well, love is relevant. According to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, love is one of the most basic needs any human wants and needs. Of course after any physiological and safety need of course. It's the core of who we are.


Love someone today!

Patience and Self-Control.

Last night God was really testing my patience and self-control. Long story short, used to be really good friend turned jerk who hates me was really testing me.
I'm at my bff's house for her birthday dinner. He walks in, hugs both my best friends and then walks away. He did not make eye contact with me the entire night. The only interaction we had was when he cleared everyone's plates and he said excuse me as he reached for mine. Ugh. So many choice words I'd like to lay him out with. I really don't know what I did to deserve this. One day we're friends and we're chillin', the next he wants nothing to do with me and tells me to stay out of his life. Really? I don't get it. I probably never will. But one thing that makes this all extremely hard for me is that I have no problem confronting people. And if the opportunity presented itself, I'd confront him. I would just have to be really careful with my words. I know I can cut him deep easily. And I don't want to do that. I'm sure we'll never be friends again, but he could at least be civil towards me. There are some people in my life that I don't like as much as he doesn't like me. But I can at least put on a smile and be civil towards them. You might call that being fake. But it keeps the peace. You don't have to fully interact with them, just be kind.
In a few weeks I wont have to see him for a couple months. That makes me sad and happy at the same time.

I don't even know how to ask God for help on this one. I don't know what I should/shouldn't do. I don't know anything.
I do know, that as I continue to stay involved in this, it is only hurting me. Maybe him, but I'll never know. It's a sick relationship. I'll admit that. But I don't want to let it go. I don't want to give up. I don't want him to be alone.

Hmmm...

Given up, with no gas, wierd vibes, and possibly defining moments.

So I really feel like I'm being forced to give up. But I don't want to. I have so many differing opinions flying at me from all directions. Who is really right? Since I'm within my own window of tolerance I'll automatically think that I'm right. But what if I'm not? Aghh. Difficult. Only time will tell. And time heals all wounds right? Well, maybe not all.

I don't even know why I'm blogging right now. It's too late and I'm running off of 5-ish hours of sleep.
Drove TO and FROM Chico within a 15 hour time span.
To and from Galt. To and from Downtown. To and from Laguna. All today.
Apparently I'm just asking for a death sentence.

But driving to Chico was worth it. Great night with friends. Stayed up way to late talking about intense topics and didn't sleep long enough to be a fully functioning driver. But God got us home.

Went to my first small group tonight through The Remix. It was legit. Deep. I loved it. And I like those people. They seemed super genuine and open and welcoming. Can't wait to get to know them more.

I also got to chill with my old college group at Denny's tonight. That was really, nice, actually. I do miss a handful of those people. And luckily I got to sit with most of them. Kinda felt a bit awkward walking in at first. Weird vibe from some people. But it's whatever.

Have I ever mentioned that I hate drama. Well let me rephrase that. I hate people creating unnecessary drama in my life. It's so dumb. They just need to grow a pair and man up in their own lives.

Ok, I really need sleep.
Kinda looking forward to tomorrow. It's gonna be a defining day in some aspects.

Dueces.

Like Super Mario Bros.

Yesterday was my first day back with the boys. And I was shocked to find out that I actually kinda missed them. I was so happy when I first saw Braden. Our day together was pretty decent. We had one minor speed bump but we got past that and had a pretty good day.

I also was just so extremely blessed by God last night. I've really been missing my Experience family and so I first called Jess, but she didn't answer so I left a message. But then I called Laura and I ended up talking to her for like 40 minutes. And it was so nice to talk to her. I know this sounds beyond cheesy, but it was so nice to just hear her voice. She was always such an encouragement to me and I was always so happy to be around her and get to talk to her. And last night was exactly the same. She was so encouraging about situations that I'm in and it was just a great heart to heart. We're hoping that we might get to see each other in may at a friends wedding. But if not, I'd totally just fly out to see her.

It's funny how God works sometimes. I've just been feeling spiritually mehh the past few weeks. All of which is my fault cause I haven't been having quite times. But for the past almost week I've been having one every morning so that has been a tremendous help. But just talking with Laura, and having her pray over me through the phone, I just felt such a spiritual lift. Like on Super Mario Bros. when you turn all sparkly and rainbow-y...that's how I felt after talking to her. Hahaha.

Tonight I am so ready and excited for. I'm going to my new college group and I'm bringing a bunch of friends with me. Lucy, Emily, Grace, and Lexi (whom I really haven't talked to in person since I was a child, so I'm super pumped to be hanging out with her.) and a few others. I'm hoping for one person in particular to come. I sent him an invite so I really hope he comes. But I have to remind myself not to get my hopes up because if I do I have the potential to be setting myself up for disappointment. And that is something that I would prefer not to have. So if he comes he comes. If not, oh well. All I know is that I'm just so excited to be with The Remix tonight. They are some awesome people.

Later Gator.

Reconnection.

Well, today was...awesome.

Went to a different church to support a friend as his first day as Youth Pastor. And it was just really neat to see. He was great.
And then getting to mingle with some of the students in the group was really awesome. Everyone was super nice and welcoming. Definitely the kind of kids I'd like to hang out with more. Maybe I'll get a chance to be a leader? That'd be awesome!
And there was a pleasant surprise I wasn't expecting. Another friend of mine showed up to support our friend on his first day. And I got to talk with this old friend and see where he's at in life. It was really nice.

Honestly, today was just about reconnecting with people.
I got to hang out with Sharlene this morning. Man, I like that girl.
And I got to chat with George for a bit.
Then tonight was just awesome. Emily and I had a really great heart to heart. We're such talkers and we were both able to get things out in the open about how we feel and where we've been with things. Super amazing.

Thanks God. I really needed today.
(I'm drinkin' up this water. I've got a real thirst for it.)

Goals, not resolutions, for 2010.

Well it is officially 2010. Is it two thousand ten? Or twenty ten? I prefer the later.

What is this year going to look like? I really have no idea. And I'm really not into the whole resolution thing. But here are a few goals that I have for myself this year:

Numero Uno: Have a daily devotional time with God. And that has no specific look to it. I just want to make it a daily thing.

Numero Dos: Develop friendships within my classes at school. I gotta step out of my comfort zone and meet people.

Numero Tres: Kinda similar to my previous goal, but I'd like to continue to do things that I wouldn't normally do. I'd like to destroy the walls that keep me in my comfort zone. Cause when I've left it I've found that I am much happier and experience life more fully.

For now, these are my goals. Simple and to the point. But in all honesty they are pretty huge for me. I've got 365 days to meet these goals. And thousands of opportunities within those days to achieve them. Let's do this.